About

This is a blog about a girl’s self-journey to accepting who she is and loving everything about herself. If you believe you are already the best version of yourself this blog may not be for you. Here’s my story of a girl with anxiety who used self-deprecating humor to bring the people she loves up. A girl who was afraid of change and raised with a smidge of guilt. A girl whose family would describe her as “too hard on herself.” An obsessive self-corrector that dug herself into an abyss of not being okay with less than perfect. A girl who loves openly and unapologetically. So here I am at the bottom of that hole I dug myself into looking up. Today is the day I put the shovel down.

Cut to my last month in college. Let me paint you a wonderful picture. I’m sitting in a brunch put together by the most inspiring people who helped cultivate me into the nurse I am today. I am called up on stage and given a plaque. I felt so lucky to just be a part of that brunch and a group of so many confident and intelligent nurses. The plaque said that I would be graduating the top of my nursing class as valedictorian. I had never been so proud of myself; I immediately called my parents. My dad in tears who almost stopped his work meeting. My supportive mother who said I deserved every bit of it for kicking butt. All those meetings with professors, all the tears, missed parties, and late nights in the library worth it. Surrounded by the best group of friends a girl could dream of I left college in a blaze of hope, love, and confidence.

One month after graduation. I just started working full time as a nurse on a cardiac unit that I am beyond proud to be a part of, but something was wrong. I had this plaque and I wasn’t doing anything with it. I said to my mom “No one expects the valedictorian to just lead a mundane life.” I asked myself over and over why didn’t I plan better for the future? I let that plaque define myself as a perfectionist; someone who has got it all figured out. Little did I know that by relying on that title meant that I was limiting myself in life. I started to self-deprecate, self-doubt, and spiral out of control.

It was a year after college, and I had a wonderful job, an apartment with a roommate who would walk through walls for me, with my best friend and my family within arm’s reach. These past months of 2018 had been the most self-challenging and heartbreaking months of my life. I think my self-journey really started the week that my heart shattered into pieces; the week of losing my best pal, my dog. Although, most saw him as just a furry friend there wasn’t a day when I opened my door that Sammy wouldn’t come running. He was my study buddy, my blank slate to vent to, and my ‘OG’ best friend. The day he died I went into work, distracted myself, and didn’t let my emotions get the best of me (because we all know how emotional I can be).

The next day I had my well-deserved cry and started to move on.  My big brother came home that weekend and I started immersing myself into spending time with everyone and enjoying some full on gut wrenching laughs. That night I was sitting on the back porch with my brothers when the back door swung open and my dad ran out asking for help. I walked into the house and heard my mom screaming that my grandmother was unresponsive. She had no pulse, she wasn’t breathing, and I instinctively did CPR. She finally came back right as EMS arrived, and she was taken to the hospital. Although I was trained for this exact situation I wasn’t expecting there to not to be a monitor and for it be my own family member the first time doing CPR. I ugly sobbed the trauma away while my brothers hugged me. The weeks after that, I picked up the shovel and dug myself into a hole searching for perfection in my life without ever striking gold. I then began to toss out the tiniest parts of confidence within myself. Instead of perfection I found anxiety and self-doubt.

Bravery isn’t something someone else can give you.

Bravery is looking at yourself in the mirror and accepting imperfection.

Bravery is accepting that you’re in a rut and things need to change and changing them.

Bravery is accepting that things aren’t okay, but you have every capability of making things better.

This is a compilation of poems that I wrote during the times I had anxiety, self-doubt, and fear. I hope that whoever comes across these poems can find comfort, relatability, and hope in my words.

I dedicate this blog to:

• The coffee maker in the corner of my kitchen that I told myself five times this week that I would open and use.
• To my favorite vintage band t-shirt (we all know the one) for reminding me there is a whole world out there full of music, fashion risks, and adventure.
• To the book I just opened that inspired me, You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life. I originally received you as a gift taking the gift more as an offense than a compliment.
• Lastly, to the biggest cheerleaders in my life: My parents, my friends, my big brothers, my family, and surprisingly, and also not surprisingly, my hairdresser.

Poetry/Pictures: Karly Kwasigroch  Edited by: Cassidy Weese